The OZ Survival Guide
by animegus farmus
Summary: This is not a story, just a list. Hopefully an amusing one.


_Disclaimer: 1) I do not own Tin Man; 2) I don't own the Horror Movies Survival Guide; and 3) I decided to mash them together anyway, so sue me. Actually, don't._

_Author's Note: I remember telling a somebody once that I don't do lists, I meant it at the time but I had forgotten about (or maybe not yet had) a review I'd gotten from KLCtheBookWorm that mentioned the Horror Movies Survival Guide. Curious, I looked it up, and muse being what she is, promptly ate it for breakfast. On a whim I started converting some of it into survival tips for the O.Z., then I got bored, set it aside and completely forgot about it until I happened upon it again today. Vaguely amused and trying to get brain-brain back into the hang of things, I thought I'd see about finishing it. I did, sort of, I must confess I got bored again so instead of the 304 tips of the horror guide, you only get 83. May it bring at least some amusement._

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><p>1) Never follow that elusive voice in your head that seems to be calling for help.<p>

2) If you ignore the first rule and find yourself in a cave with writing detailing the battle of good versus an ancient evil, leave the cave immediately.

3) Don't touch the scary statue, ever.

4) Don't inspect the source of the pleading voice. Ask yourself this question: if they are trapped behind the scary face, how did they get there?

5) If you find a little girl in a dark cave filled with monkey bats, don't offer to help her, kill her immediately or run away. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

6) When you have the benefit of a magical handhold to protect you from evil, don't let go.

7) If you have a little sister whose adventures have a way of getting you into trouble, don't follow her into the cave.

8) As a general rule, mobat pets are not a good sign (Gulch Verse excepted).

9) Don't let your witch possessed sister catch you coming out of a mausoleum, it might give her ideas.

10) If you are searching for a way to escape the evil Sorceress' Tower and a little dog seems to know the way, follow him but be wary of ulterior motives.

11) If a little doll spins in the air above your hand, congratulations, you might be royalty. Now run, because your evil possessed sister wants to kill you.

12) Do not take directions from a headcase.

13) If you do take directions from a headcase, be prepared to travel in circles.

14) If you must rush a bunch of Longcoats armed only with a stick, make sure they are only a holographic projection anyway.

15) If your parents start exhibiting uncharacteristic behaviour, such as advising you to jump into a tornado, go with it and hope it's a travel storm.

16) Stop taking the road through the lands of the Papay. Screw the road, take the scenic route, seriously, quit inviting them to dinner by prancing across their drought blighted lands.

17) If your truck axle breaks, stay away from the Northern Island. Or at the very least keep away from the windows.

18) Beware strangers wearing long coats.

19) Unlike in horror movies, the soundtrack generally won't warn you of danger in advance so don't bother listening to it – once the ominous music comes on you're already screwed.

20) Never try to reason with the Papay unless one of your companions has the ability to resurrect dead fields.

21) Don't steal the Papay's dinner unless you have a Tin Man on hand to protect you.

22) If you find yourself in a deserted palace and your Viewer tells you bad things happened there, don't ask him to show you, get the hell out of there before your evil possessed sister catches up. Raw can tell you all about it later.

23) If a tornado suddenly appears in your yard, run, the Longcoats are after you.

24) If the Papay are chasing you, ignore what physics have taught you and jump off the cliff. Even if physics decides to show up that day it beats being eaten.

25) If you walk into an abandon looking town, make sure your parents are there to protect you from the crazed cyborgs that are about to appear.

26) If you happen to be the fortunate one that gets to hug the Tin Man at the end of the series, seize the moment, go for more than a damn hug.

27) Strange people dressed in feathers and descending on ropes from the trees are not the welcoming committee.

28) The person meeting you in order to introduce you to the Seeker has people lurking in ambush, listen to the Tin Man and wait outside.

29) On no account do anything that DG says will be an adventure.

30) If you realize the munchkins have decided you are a spy, don't try to reason with them, they will either: A) call you a spy or B) threaten flay you for your secrets because you are a spy. It is up to you to rescue yourself. Don't forget to take the headcase with you.

31) If your sister has a small band of tattoos decorating her cleavage, expect at some point that she will sic a bunch of flying monkey bats on you. Run if you wish, though don't expect it to be anymore useful than hiding behind a pillar or crouching in place.

32) If you assist the evil possessed sorceress in a strange attempt to help the youngest princess save the Realm, don't expect the rest of the group to trust you all that much.

33) If the Papay start eyeing you with interest, check the weather forecast. If there hasn't been any rain in fifteen years, RUN!

34) Do not keep mobat pets, they aren't cuddly, and they scare people (see previous exception visa vie Gulch Verse).

35) When you wake up in a strange place amidst the debris of your travel storm demolished house, don't just stand there gaping at the twin suns, get a move on. People are going to be after you shortly.

36) If you ignore the previous rule and you find yourself surrounded by a bunch of little guys dressed in feathers, don't back up, there's a classic net trap behind you.

37) If you find yourself having frustratingly pointless conversation whilst sitting in a giant hanging basket as a result of having ignored the previous two rules, do untie the headcase suspended above. He may not know his own name, but believe it or not he's actually useful.

38) Never ever go out there/in there (there being a cave, abandoned palace, mausoleum, or shady bar where evil or greedy beings like to lay in wait).

39) If you see a sign that say N.H.A. aka No Humans Allowed...oh never mind, it's not that important, the cyborgs might wave their pitchforks and whatnot but they aren't actually going to hurt you.

40) If you happen to get captured along the way, do not worry, long lost relatives will be along shortly to rescue you (providing, of course, that the long lost relative is a son and not a sister, in which case she is the one that captured you in the first place).

41) If you are using a gun to defend yourself, quickly find a magical orchard-restoring princess to assist you, because no matter how many cliffs there are to jump off of, you'll always run out of bullets when cornered by the Papay on your second invitation to dinner.

42) If you find yourself possessed by the ugly old biddy you found in a cave behind a scary statue, don't worry, your sister will be along eventually to save you...in about fifteen years or so...after you've committed all manner of atrocities and, you know, once she gets enough of her memory that mommy dearest erased back to remember that you exist.

43) If you are going forth to confront your possessed sister in hopes of reclaiming her soul, don't stand between her and the end of the balcony, that's just way too easy of a shot towards a very long fall.

44) Do open any and all tin suits you come across. Sure, most of them will probably contain raving lunatics, driven insane by the isolation and whatever torturous scene they've been watching on the holographic thingummy, but any chance of opening a box and having Cain fall out is a risk worth taking.

45) Really, don't go in the cave.

46) If you are male, sucks to be you as you are about to be totally outclassed by Cain.

47) When in the O.Z., never go for information from the woman in the glass box...unless, of course, you have that long lost son somewhere to rescue you from her inevitable betrayal.

48) In terms of weaponry, don't rely on a stick, especially when fighting people with guns. I mean, really, or at the very least, find a BIG stick (or if this happens to be a fairytale O.Z., a Mr. Stick).

49) If you are female, only show your breasts if you are expecting mobats to fly out of them.

50) Never change the password, you never know when someone will come along who hasn't been able to keep up with the last, oh, decade of the war.

51) Ask your sister what happened after she 'fell'.

52) You wake up to find your sister standing above you, there's dark cloudy stuff coming out of her hands, don't worry, you're about to die but mommy will come along to resurrect you momentarily.

53) Never let the evil sorceress know you've figured out the jail cells are bugged, she'll just drop in herself and eat your soul.

54) If you have just melted the witch, make sure she is really dead this time.

55) Your dog can take care of himself (and is)...

56) So can your tin man...

57) But the viewer might need a pep talk.

58) Self-sacrifice is a great idea...unless it's your brain, don't let them shoot your brain.

59) Longcoats are always ready to believe the worst is about to happen, so clink some spoons together and try not to giggle as they tell you all their secrets.

60) If you are not the main character, you don't have a chance with Cain, sorry.

61) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the man with the lightening rod. Ouch.

62) People driven by vengeance are putty in the hands of a girl with big blue eyes.

63) It's fine to feel guilty, but don't sit their wallowing in it, get your ass up and find your mother's message.

64) Keep a little toy horse in your pocket, it'll stop bullets.

65) If you need transportation, steal the pimp's ride, it'll break down in a blizzard but it will get you most of the way there.

66) If you are a child, why is someone letting you play in the bear and witch infested forest?

67) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, guess what? Mommy resurrected the sister you killed and never told you.

68) If you are being chased by mobats, dodging through a large hall of pillars is not the way to lose them. Shooting them works much better, ask Cain if he could do something about that for you.

69) If your long lost dad hands you a bowl with a weird arrow on it, let the light flow through you, this is apparently some sort of wonky compass pointing you to the object you seek...'cause apparently he never got to visit the royal burial chamber before (then again, why would he?).

70) If you meet a monster that cannot be killed, simply tell Cain it is after DG. Problem solved.

71) If your vehicle breaks down, take the axe with you, you never know when you are going to need an axe.

72) You know, there is a good chance that if YOU never bothered to find the emerald, your evil sister never would have found it either. Leave it where it is until after she needs it, that way it will be useless to her when she comes to take it from you.

73) If your ancestor ever melted a witch, chances are she's waiting in a cave somewhere to possess you, so why don't you just stay out of them?

74) If your sister's adventures have a way of getting you into trouble, why are you still following her?

75) Always go back for the hat.

76) Revolvers are always a handy thing to have on you.

77) If you are going to ambush a bunch of Longcoats with the intent to steal their clothes and sneak into the bad guy's tower, take the headcase with you, he'll do all the work.

78) Avoid people that are a little girl one minute, and a scary old lady the next.

79) If you find out that you are actually from the strange land you've just landed in, and the people you thought were your parents are cyborgs programmed to raise and love you, we agree, that is weird...it's also kind of cool. Emotional trauma aside, that is.

80) Remember what I said about following your sister on her 'adventures'. Just don't.

81) Always listen to the crazy old man, he's just on the vapours, slap him hard and ask your question again.

82) Never look into mirrors, either you are going to watch yourself be tortured or killed, or the evil witch possessing you is going to pop out and say boo.

83) If you are Cain, make sure you know where Raw is at all times, you are bound to get shot, beaten and/or bitten in short order, might as well have the walking first aid kit readily available (insert joke regarding Gulch Verse here).


End file.
